Furiends, I stand before you an accused dog.
I stand accused of most heinous crimes in my humans’ eyes
- waking them up too early in the morning; and
- waking them up by cold wet nose.
I mean OK I did wake them up and I admit that I did use the nose, but really when you hear my side of the story I’m sure that no-one would blame me and were the matter ever to come before a court a resounding “not guilty” verdict would follow.
The defence on the charge of waking them up too early
I’m sure you will agree that light after dark means time for breakfast.
I wait patiently for the dark to go away every single day. OK if I’m being honest I do occasionally wander around the bedroom at night, but that’s only to switch between my favourite snoozing spots. But can I really be blamed for the fact that the dark is going away earlier and earlier at the moment? I may be in charge of many things, but even I do not claim to control the sun.
Breakfast means that the humans have to get up. This is not my fault. They are the ones who have locked away the large sacks in the study. They are the ones who insist on hiding my daily rations in a kitchen cupboard. If my food was easily accessible then I could simply help myself and they could continue to dream their human dreams. So if anyone is to blame for them having to get up, it is them.
So not my fault, right?
The defence on the charge of using a cold, wet nose
Now normally there is thing which makes a loud noise to wake them up. However, for reasons unknown to dog, it never makes a noise at the weekend. It is one of life’s mysteries and requires investigation, but that is for another time.
So the noisy thing has not woken them up and therefore the humans are late in meeting their feeding duties. It is clearly time for me to take action.
Attempt 1 – the sit and stare. No effect even though I try it on both humum and hudad. Not entirely sure why as it normally works for my evening treats, but maybe it could have something to do with them having their eyes shut.
Attempt 2 – the nudge. Humum has her hands dangling over the edge of the bed, so following a precision move to place my head directly under her hand, I execute the nudge. Nothing. Well that’s not quite true, the hand moves out of my reach.
Attempt 3 – the huff. Gentle huffing close to their heads. Nope, no sign of them getting up even though I know they heard me because they muttered something under their breaths. They just roll over and face the opposite way.
So there we have it, I tried everything a reasonable dog could try before resorting to the cold, wet nose.
The defence rests.
And finally, does this face look guilty to you????